Honeymoon in France - Day 2 (We Visit the Churches)

We accomplished quite a bit on our first day in Paris.  So much so, that we hit the wall and were out before 8PM.  Around 2:30AM, I woke up and started looking for food.  The mini-bar provided peanuts, Coke Zero and some French chocolate.  By 3:30AM, we both were awake and could not fall back to sleep.  This was going to be the day we visited some of the great churches in Paris.  A check of the list showed St. Gervais, a short walk from our hotel, was opening at 6AM.  We got moving and were out the door by 6AM.  This was another lesson learned about Paris.  There was nothing open at that early hour, just the church.  We made our way through the morning mist and arrived at the church.

The church was still dark with just a few candles burning to give off light.  We saw a group of religious, men and women, sitting in adoration before the tabernacle.  They were have a holy hour.  We sat in the front row and finished the holy hour with them.



At 7:00am, they stood up and began to chant the morning office of the church, Lauds.  Jennie and I looked at each other and had the same thought...what in the world did we stumble in to.  The chants and office of readings were all in French, but it was other worldly.  This was not the first time I've every prayed Lauds or Matins.  We used to do that in the seminary chapel almost daily.  I'm pretty sure it was the first time Jennie had ever experienced Lauds and for sure it was the first time she'd ever heard it chanted as it was meant to be.



Lauds at St. Gervais from Patrick Cullen on Vimeo.

After morning prayer was over we discovered that this was a monastic community known as the Communities of Jerusalem.  They were founded in 1975 on All Saints Dayby Pierre-Marie Delfieux with the aim of promoting the spirit of the monastic desert in the heart of the city.  The Communities of Jerusalem are present in Paris, Vezelay, Strasbourg, Mont-St. Michel, Florence, Montreal and Rome.  Members of the fraternity are called to live the common calling of fraternal life, prayer, work and welcoming others "in the heart of the city", while striving to dwell always in the heart of God.  Particular importance is given to the beauty of the liturgy, as oasis for all to draw from morning, noon or evening, respite from the hectic pace of city life in the heart of God.

A visit to this community or one like it should be required for every Bishop, Vocations Director, Seminarian and Liturgist.  This is how the Latin church is meant to pray and worship.  The "mass" that we are offered at parish churches in the United States is a joke when compared to this.

We left St. Gervais on a high and grabbed some breakfast at the Cafe St. Regis.  We wandered over to Notre Dame where they were having daily mass in the chapel just under the high altar.  Like good American Catholics we got there just in time for communion 😅, which was distributed by the priest celebrating the mass.

Our plan was to take the Metro to the outer parts of Paris and visit churches, but the rainy weather shut down the Metro stop near Notre Dame.  We grabbed an Uber and made our way to 140 rue du Bac, otherwise known as the Chapel of the Miraculous Medal.

On the night of July 18-19, 1830, Sister Catherline Laboure, a novice in the community of the Daughters of Charity in Paris was awakened by a child and summoned to the chapel.  The Blessed Mother appeared to Sr. Catherine and spoke with her for several hours.  She was told that she was to have a mission.  Five months later, on November 27, 1830, Sr. Catherine saw Mary standing on half a globe and holding a golden globe in her hands.  On the globe was the word "France" and our Lady explained that the globe represented the whole world, but especially France.  Streaming from rings on Mary's fingers were many rays of light.  Mary explained that the rays symbolized the graces she obtains for those who ask for them.  Some of the gems on her rings were dark and Mary explained that the rays and grace were available but did not come because no one had asked for them.

The third apparition was where the Miraculous Medal was shown to Sr. Catherine.  Mary was standing upon a globe, crushing the head of a serpent beneath her foot. (Gn 3:15). Framing this were the words Ô Marie, conçue sans péché, priez pour nous qui avons recours à vous (O Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee).  This was 24 years prior to the declaration of the Immaculate Conception by Pope Pius.  On the reverse side of the medal where 12 stars which can represent the Apostles who represent the entire church as it surrounds Mary.  (Rev 12:1).  The cross symbolizes Christ and our redemption, the M stands for Mary.

Sr. Catherine was told to have a medal struck upon this model.  Those who wear it will receive great graces, especially if they were it around the neck.  The first medals were struck in Paris in 1832.  Almost immediately the blessings that were foretold began to shower down on those who wore the Miraculous Medal.  The devotion spread quickly and a canonical inquiry started in Paris declared the apparitions to be genuine.

Sr. Catherine died on December 31, 1876.  She was beatified in 1933 and when her body was exhumed after 57 years of burial, it was found to be completely incorrupt and supple.  Her incorrupt body lays on the side altar in the Church of the Miraculous Medal.

We left the church and walked a couple of blocks to the Shrine  of St. Vincent de Paul.  Immediately upon entering the shrine we noticed a glass reliquary containing the body of St. Vincent de Paul.  When his body was first exhumed it appeared to be incorrupt.  However, flooding damaged the area where his body was placed and the body did decay.  Housed in the reliquary was his skeleton covered in wax.  His heart was taken and housed in the Shrine of the Miraculous medal on the left side altar.  St. Catherine Laboure lies under the right side altar.

There are steps behind the altar that lead up to reliquary.  We made the walk and venerated this great saint.

We grabbed lunch in a nearby bistro and found a working metro stop.  We took the metro to the northern part of Paris to a location known as Montmartre.  This is a large hill, 430 feet above Paris and the location of Sacre Coeur Basillica.  We made the trek up the hill, only stopping a few times for rest!  We were greeted with an incredible view of Paris and an even more impressive view of the basillica.

In 1870 war broke out between France and Germany.  The church council being held was suspended and the Pope, no longer under protection of the French troops, considered himself a prisoner in the Vatican.  France was defeated by Germany and partially occupied.  Alexandre Legentil and Hubert Ronhault de Fleury vowed to build a church dedicated to the Sacred Heart, as reparation for infidelity and sin of France.  The vow was approved by Cardinal Guibert and the site on Montmartre was chosen.   The basilica was constructed in the Byzantine style.

We grabbed a snack and coffee at a local bistro in Montmartre and found our way to the Metro.  We took it to Ile de La Cite and found another one Jennie's top picks, St. Chapelle.  My wife is a bona-fide fan of Bishop Robert Barron. In his series Catholicism, there is a view of a beautiful church with stained glass and lights.  She always assumed that was Notre Dame, but it was St. Chapelle.  I had read this but didn't tell her that until we walked in.  The irony of it was she almost didn't go in as the call of nature and a longish line was weighing on her.  Fortunately our Paris Pass gave us the ability to bypass the line and soon we saw the interior of this beautiful chapel.

St. Chapelle is a royal chapel built in the Gothic style within the grounds of the Palais de la Cite.  It was built in 7 years, being consecrated in 1248.  It was commissioned by King Louis IX to house his collection of Passion relics, including the crown of thorns.  The most famous feature of the chapel are the great stained glass windows.  The three windows of the eastern apse illustrate the New Testament.  By contrast, the windows of the nave are dominated by Old Testament exemplars of ideal kingship/queenship in a nod to their royal patrons.  The cycle starts the Genesis, Exodus, Joseph, Numbers/Leviticus, Joshua/Deuteronomy, Judges, Jeremiah/Tobias, Judith/Job, Esther, David and Kings.  The final windows brings this narrative of sacral kingship up to date with scenes of the rediscovery of Christ's relics, the miracles they performed, and their relocation to Paris.

The chapel was damaged during the French Revolution where relics were dispersed and many reliquaries were melted down.  Today St. Chapelle is a national monument and has been since 1862.

We went back to the hotel to clean up and find dinner for the night.  We ended up at a restaurant down the street from the hotel called Sorza.  There we had some great Bordeaux wine, along with the finest Pasta Bolognese and Parmesan Risotto. After dinner we walked along the banks of the Seine and watched the sun setting over Notre Dame. And there was evening, and there was morning - the second day.

Honeymoon in France - Le Jour de l'arrivee

June 3 – Day 1

We decided to waste no time between the ink drying on our marriage license and catching a plane to France to begin our honeymoon.  Our flight left Phoenix around 11AM with a quick layover in Chicago.  We boarded United 987, a big 777, for the near 8 hour flight to Paris.  We settled into our comfortable seats and before we knew it, the French countryside was going by below us.

Heading to Paris from Patrick Cullen on Vimeo.
Our Big 777 from Patrick Cullen on Vimeo.

After clearing customs and gathering our bags we set out to find our hired car.  This was our first lesson in the promptness of French service.  Our driver was supposed to be waiting for us in the lobby with our name on his sign.  There was no sign of the driver anywhere.  We tried to make contact with the company but that was not working.  We grabbed a guy with a black Peugeot and we were off the Isle de Citie.  Traffic in Paris is pretty bad and it took almost an hour to get to our hotel. 

We were too early to check in to our room so we dropped our bags at the Hotel de Lutece, walked over a bridge on the Seine and found a sidewalk café for lunch and coffee.  To my new wifes amazement, the café was sitting in the shadows of Notre Dame de Paris.  We had picked a hotel that was a 5 minute walk to the Cathedral.  

After a quick lunch, we set out to Notre Dame, Jennie's number one place on her things to see in Paris list.  The line wasn't bad and soon we were in the cathedral.  I've been in many cathedrals and churches, but it is easy to see why they call this the Grand Dame.  The gothic architecture and history oozed out of the walls.  Everywhere we went there were side altars, painting, statues.  It was truly an amazing place.  We made our way around to the Apse and found the altar that contained the crown of thorns.  They venerate the crown of thorns every first Friday and all the Fridays of the Great Fast.  We were unable to venerate this relic but standing in that chapel was awe inspiring.  We finished our quick tour of Notre Dame and hopped on the hop on, hop off bus.

The stop for the bus was just outside the doors of the Cathedral.  We found our place on the top of the bus at the back and saw the beauty of Paris.  The tour took us along the Seine, past the Louvre, past the Musee D Orsay, up the Champs Elysees, to the Arc de Triomphe, to the Eiffel Tower and past many churches.  We decided to hop-off at the Eiffel tower and spent some time getting pictures, taking in Paris and watching Jennie catch a few winks.  We took the bus back to Notre Dame, where we realized that we had just hit the wall around 5PM local time.  We grabbed a few snacks, made our way back to the Hotel and promptly fell asleep around 7:30PM.

Years Go By

     This past Mother's Day marked the 3rd Mother's Day for Ryan without his mom on earth.  And it followed closely after  the anniversary of her being born into eternity in April.  I remember the first year as those dates got closer and a conversation I had with Ryan.  I told him that things would get easier as the years went on.  That while he will never forget his Mom and all the things that happened to him, he would get to a point in his life where those days were just that, days.

     As April 18th approached, we did not make any mention to Ryan about it.  We made sure we contacted his school to let them know the significance of the day, but thought it best to just see how it played out.  Expecting a phone call from the school that day, I was pleasantly surprised when I got a call from Ryan around 3:30.  When I answered the call, his first words were "Are you proud of me Dad?"  When I asked proud about what, he replied "I made it through today without being sad or wanting to leave school."  I told him I was proud of him for dealing with this day for what it is, any other day.  We talked again about the communion of saints and how we are still connected through this.

    Fast forward about 3 weeks and the next event was Mother's day.  We attended church, the one where Jennie and I will be married, where they honored Mothers and did the May crowning for the Blessed Mother.  Again, Ryan treated this like just another day.  There was no sadness, no tears, just the normal "how much longer" question.  Later in the day as all the kids were swimming, one of his soon to be sisters was asking questions about his Mom.  What was she like?  Was she nice?  Was her cancer contagious?  Is Nana's cancer contagious.  Through all of this, Ryan talked about his Mom with smiles and enthusiasm. 

    Those words, "You'll get to a point in your life where those days are just that, days" have started to be reflected in my boy's daily life.  It is easy for me to forget that he was just barely 10 when he lost his Mom.  I've known grown men and women whose lives crash down around them when they lose a parent.  Not my boy.  He stood up to the sadness, the fear, the emptiness, the reality that his life had changed forever and he broke through those barriers.  You've come to embrace and love the fact that you have three Moms.  Your spiritual mother, the Holy Theotokos, The one who gave life to you and loves you daily as part of the communion of saints,  Theresa and the one who loves you every day and will for the rest of her days, Jennie.

     My boy, when you ask if I'm proud of you for doing that.  You have no idea how proud I am for the courage and strength you've shown.  You put most adults to shame.

Christos Anesti!

My Brown Eyed Boy

     Not too long ago, I read a post that started with these words:  

     "While time does offer some relief and a new sense of normal, there are still countless emotions and sensations to muddle through.  There is no roadmap or guidebook that works in all cases or scenarios and while the stories of others can offer guidance, they cannot tell you how your journey is going to unfold.


     All too often, I forget that Ryan was only 10 when his Mom was born into eternity and he still has moments when he is processing all that has happened in his young life.  He has made tremendous progress on his road to healing, but still there are some potholes in that road that manifest themselves in the form of a "blown out tire".
     
    My boy is the perfect combination of his Mom and I.  Every time I look at him, I see those big brown eyes and am reminded just how much he looks like Theresa.  I love to tell him that he's fortunate he got his looks from his Mom and not from me!  He also got his complex emotional makeup from his Mom.

     One of the hardest things you encounter, especially with children, is memories are found all over town.  Every time we went to church, it was the church his Mom was buried in.  Every time we went to a restaurant, it was a restaurant his Mom went to.  Every time we walked into our house, it was the house his Mom died in.  We moved from that house to another one, in another part of the Tucson area.  While that helped to eliminate some of the memories, there was no getting away from the ones all over town.

     Over the past year so many things that seemed like roadblocks and foolish detours, have shown themselves to be essential in the journey of mending while blending.  In no particular order, our family has had to figure out how to get through all of these things:

• Dealing with Ryan in a new school, a new district and middle school - Middle school is trying for anyone..but how much more trying for a child with autism, dealing with the loss of a parent and dealing with a school staff who really aren't trained to handle that child. 

• Dealing with Jennie's girl's father -  Here was a guy who first said that he was ok with Jennie taking the girls to Tucson.  His exact words were, I'm not going to fight about a couple of miles.  Despite repeated assurances that he was going to have this document drafted, he changed his mind putting up another hurdle for us.

• Counseling - To help Ryan along his journey, we visited several counselors for him to work out his feelings and emotions.  None of the ones we used were able to crack through the exterior.

• Single dad - No matter how much you care, no matter how hard you try, a Dad just can't be a Mom.  Of course, that is true in reverse as well.

• Outside influences - There were many things people said, things people did that caused hurdles for us.  One of the strangest series of questions came along the line of:  Have the children met?  Is the father of the girls still in the picture?  Do the children get along?  

• The moving of Jennie to Tucson - While this one seemed to be a giant cluster, it turned out to be a great move.  When we realized that the girl's father had been stringing us along, I called my boss the next day to see what my odds of moving to PX HQC were.  He told me he would check and within 24 hours, I had the approvals I needed from FBI management to make that happen.  I put my papers in for the move and it was approved, with a report date of December 17th.

• Jennie knew of a school called Gateway academy that specializes in kids on the autism spectrum.  We visited the school and knew it would be a great fit.  The only issues was the tuition of $25K per year.  Again, the hurdle was overcome when Ryan qualified for an ESA scholarship that pays the entire amount.

• We found a great house in Cave Creek with a floor plan that was ideal for our unique family situation.  We have a guest casita for Mom, two jack n jill bedrooms for the girls, one bedroom with bathroom on the other side of the house for Ryan and a master bedroom away from all the craziness. 

• We found a counselor that Ryan has opened up too, and one that is making a difference.

   As I said above, things that seemed like roadblocks have turned out to be blessings:

   After Ryan was established at Gateway, things came up that he had been holding in for nearly 2 years.  Despite numerous counselors and long talks about how he was doing, it took a school administrator knowing how to deal with an autistic child to get it out.  One morning he got up for breakfast and his mom was sitting at the table.  He said hi to her and she responded back, "Who are you?"  He thought she was joking and said, "It's me, Ryan, your son."  She shook her head, got up from the table and went back to her bedroom.  He kept that to himself, finally telling me that he lost his mom well before she died.  I knew the time frame and the cause of that.  There was a period of time where she was talking to much of the Oxycontin and it caused several issues of forgetfulness and confusion.  We were able to get that out in the open, get that cleared up and able to move his past that.  All of this happened because of a move to a purpose built school that did not exist in Tucson.

  More importantly, the smile has returned to his face again.  While we still have much work to do in the journey forward, it helps tremendously that he again sees the joy in life.  Thank you to all who have encouraged us along the way; thank you to all who have put up roadblocks along the way, encouraging us to smash them; thank you to Jennie for loving us and stepping in to the breach with me.  My boy is in good hands.  He has three moms watching out for him, (The Holy Theotokos, Theresa and Jennie).  The proof is in the pictures....

Christ is Risen!

Indeed He is Risen!

☦

The Perils of The Paths We Walk

     When you are blending two families together, both Chapter 2's, there are really only two paths that the parties have walked...death or divorce.  It would be rare to be in your mid to late 40's having never been married and looking to start down that road.  Given those two paths, the large majority involve divorce.

     Over the past few years, I have said many times that I believe it is easier dealing with the death of a spouse that it is dealing with the death of a marriage.  The past year has really reinforced that belief in me as I've watched Jennie navigate a world of co-parenting with a self-centered, narcissist.

    More than a year ago, as we both could see our future together, Jennie brought up the possibility of moving from Phoenix to Tucson.  In Arizona there is language in parenting plans that prohibits a spouse from moving more than 100 miles absent the agreement of the other parent.  At that point in time, the other parent in the situation was an every other weekend kind of parent...the proverbial Disneyland dad.  Anytime he was asked to pick up a few more days, he was always quick to point out that he did that.  Jennie had the opportunity to take her oldest to Rome and the other parent had to point out that he stepped up during that time.

     When she approached him about the possibility, he said he needed more time to think about it.  He made mention that he was going to approach her for more parenting time and that he felt like he was getting "screwed" out of that time.  We knew from her attorney that any request for more time would kill a move to Tucson.  He came back a week or so later and said that he was on-board with her moving to Tucson.  There was a laundry list of items that he demanded, but the key issue was agreed to.  He wanted to hire the attorney and get the agreement hammered out.  Weeks turned into a month and he kept dragging his feet.  When asked point blank if he was changing his mind he said no.  That turned out to be a lie as he was consulting an attorney about a 50/50 parenting agreement.

     To be clear, I think it is a great idea that he finally stepped up and took some responsibility for his kids. But, as the saying goes, once a liar, always a liar.  Instead of being a man and saying I am changing my mind, he strung her along until he was ready to drop the bomb on her.  That process was a roller-coaster of emotion for Jennie.  For 9 years, she was the primary caregiver to her children.  While married, she was a stay-at-home mother and her husband, always in pursuit of loftier career goals, was on the road travelling for most of the year.  After her divorce, she was forced to return to work and be the primary caregiver as well.  And in one quick decision, her entire world was upended.


     The dictionary definition of narcissism is:  extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.  How the past year has also revealed that.  For the other parent, money and career success appear to be the big driver in their life.  After moving past the 50/50 split and adjusting to that, money for the kids, and the control that comes with that, has been the biggest issue.  When they were married, the kids attended private school.  They continue to attend private school and will do so until they graduate.  The other parent pays 0 towards their education.  Not even $1 towards the annual registration fees for his children.

    For years the children have been unable to be involved in any after school activities.  While the other parent was paying child support, it barely covered the cost of putting a roof over his childrens' head.  That's the dirty secret of divorce.  The parent who makes the most money pays for the support of their kids, but it comes nowhere near the financial cost imposed on the family after their transgressions wrecked the kids world.  All of her income was tied up in providing the basic necessities for the kids.  Anytime the other parent was approached for money for an activity, the answer was always the same...I just don't have any free money available right now. 

     The cycle of money continued throughout the year.  As the children wanted to go to gymnastics, all the other parent could offer up was $40 per month.  When asked about helping with school supplies, the best he could offer up for 50% of the total, even though he makes 76% of the combined income and contributes nothing to their tuition/fees.  And even getting that amount out of him was like pulling teeth for Jennie.  He wanted a detailed list of what the purchased items were.

    Finally, there appeared to be a breakthrough as he graciously agreed to up his monthly contributions for activities to $100.  In addition, he was fully paying for gymnastics for one child, which got him a whole lot closer to the court approved split percentage.  However, the leopard doesn't change his spots.  After 2 months of short-paying the contribution amount, that amount came to a halt.  You see, even though the wording of previous emails was: "I'll bump what is send you monthly up to $100" You see, send monthly implies a continuing amount that can be used to cover activities, that will ebb and flow.  But to the other parent, that only applies if there is a certain cost to cover that month.

     There is a great summer camp in the midwest that one of the children wanted to attend.  The price was off the charts expensive and a long way from Arizona.  Financial aid was awarded for most of the camp expense, leaving $800 plus airfare to be covered.  Other than being very clear about only contributing $300, there was no issue with the distance from home or time away on the part of the other parent.   Great, fair enough.  We will cover the rest plus airfare for a great opportunity for growth for one of the kids.  Part of that decision was believing the $100 per month was still going to come in, which now is up in the air.  When asked about this, the passive aggressiveness came out in full force.   The line has now changed to I'm able to pay $300 for this very expensive and far away camp.  He managed to work that phrase in twice in one paragraph.  And now, he suddenly is concerned about who is going to fly to and from with the child.  Will that be the next objection he has?

    And in the same message, a summer math camp came up.  Not even 2 weeks prior, Mr. Wonderful agreed to pay his 76% towards a summer math camp.  But suddenly, he is unable to find where he agreed to that and says that is not how he recalls that topic being discussed.  Thankfully, Jennie keeps everything and was able to provide him a screen shot of that communication.  In her dealings with him, it's like dealing with El Diablo.

    It is difficult being the Chapter 2 in a situation where her Chapter 1 was/is such a dsyfunctional, controlling and narcissistic person.  It pains me to see the emotional toil that he continues to put on Jennie and will do so until the children have all reached adulthood.  I love this woman more than anything else and together we will navigate the next 11 years as we already have.

     To any men out there who find themselves in a similar position, don't be an ass hat like this guy.  Please put your kids needs  above yours.  I'm not suggesting you give them everything they ask for, but really, $100 per month is too much for activities?  That's just about covers the cost of dinner and wine out one night.

    I  leave you with this picture.  I saw it on a jeep last year while still living in Tucson.  I sent it to Jennie and we both got a good laugh out of it. Lord knows I can't fall off the floor.