Monday, October 1, 2018

I Married A Stepford Wife?



   ***The names have been blurred to protect the idiots, I mean contributors.***



     When I said "I Do" in June, apparently I did not know that I was saying that to a Stepford wife. I equated that word with the 2004 movie shown above. Little did I know that there is also an urban dictionary entry for Stepford Wife. It reads " 1. Used to describe a servile, compliant, submissive, spineless wife who happily does her husband's bidding and serves his every whim dutifully. 2. Can also be used to describe a wife who is cookie-cutter & bland in appearance and behavior. Subscribes to a popular look and dares not deviate from that look." 

     Before anyone thinks that I have lost my mind, let me explain where that comment originated.  Unless you have been stranded on a deserted island or just awoken from a long winters nap, you would be hard pressed to find someone who has not seen the drama playing out in the United States Senate over the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh to the United States Supreme Court.  In the interest of brevity, I'm going to assume everyone knows that saga.

     My wife attended an all-girls Catholic high school in Phoenix.  She has many of her classmates as social media friends and one of them posted "1 believe her.  I believe you."  Jennie, commented on the post and said (paraphrasing), "How would you feel in 30 plus years if your son was up for a Supreme Court nomination and someone came out saying her tried to rape her without evidence...I have three girls and a son so don't think I take these accusations lightly."  This drew a quick response from the OP, who replied on emotion and without taking into account the lack of evidence presented to support the claim made by Dr. Ford.




     My wife, trying to interject logic into the conversation, brings up the lack of evidence once again and suggests that the timing of the process was suspect.  The OP doubles down, and decides to say that the Senate will not let the FBI investigate (Strike 1), and brings up the topic of priest sexual abuse.  "As for he said/she said, You're absolutely right.   I wasn't in the room when this attack happened.  Of course, I wasn't in the room when priests in the Catholic Church were sexually violating young boys, but I believe them, even though they brought it up 30 years later."  Again, arguing from logic, rather than emotion, Jennie brought up that when the priest abuse victims named a person, place, time(s) and other pertinent details, they are very credible.




     Jennie writes the following to the thread and makes the "fatal flaw" of saying "Hopefully the next generation will be able to start reporting, that's the only way it is going to change."  And that's when the fangs came out from her XCP classmates.












     My favorite poster came in the name of Christina, aka Hissy Chrissy.  She was the one who labeled my wife as a Stepford Wife who needs to stop with the "I have a son business..because she has been a stepmom to a preteen boy for barely more than a millisecond who is no expert on raising boys who fashions herself an expert on everything. Hissy tells the token man on the group, Buddy , how she unfriended Jennie a long time ago when there was some confusion on her mind ( and mine apparently) on the link between homosexuality and the priest pedophilia crisis.  That was too much for Chrissy...she wanted no association with someone whose views are so skewed from reality and humanity (and supposed Christianity!)  Thank you for seamlessly pointing out her fucked up priorities.  Hissy Chrissy ended by saying she will pray for Jennie, for her to stop drinking the koolaid, to not be such a hypocritical Catholic and in the future to think about her daughters on the Supreme Court and not just her stepson.

     Chrissy's hissy emboldened the other prep schoolers who decided to hang setting back the entire feminist movement back 30 years on my wife, while telling her, to shut up, seriously just shut up.  One of the ladies even posted a  GIF of a woman doing the hula hoop, in a skirt, while running a vacuum (funny because we have a robot that vacuums the floor and I am the one who uses the vacuum in our house.)  One of the posters linked to a tweet from Emily Lindin in November 2017 that said, "Here's an unpopular opinion:  I'm actually not at all concerned about innocent men losing their jobs over false sexual assault/harassment allegations.  If some innocent men's reputations have to take a hit in the process of undoing the patriarchy, that is a price I am absolutely willing to pay."  And it was at that moment the true purpose of the posts, Chrissy's Hissy fit and the dogpile became clear.  These elitist prep school graduates don't want truth or justice, they want blood.  If good people suffer along the way, so be it.  This is a mob mentality.  If you don't agree with me, no matter how stupid my point is, you are part of the problem and I don't care if you are a casualty along the way.


     Either these good Catholic girls were absent during their theology classes, chose to ignore what they were taught or they weren't taught the true faith.  Going back to the original point raised by my wife, that you need evidence to make an allegation that has the power to destroy someone.  Section 2477 of the Catechism reads: "Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.  He becomes guilty of rash judgement who, even tactily, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor.  As my wonderful wife pointed out, there is not one shred of credible evidence that has come forth in the Kavanaugh matter.  Yet, these "Catholic women", have already judged the man guilty, even to the point of not caring if innocent men suffer so long as patriarchy is undone.

     I'm not sure I'm qualified to comment as I've only been the stepfather to three girls for 4 months, which is a whole lot more than a millisecond (really Hissy Chrissy, did they teach you math & science at XCP?  A millisecond?)  However, our girls and son are being taught to respect everyone.  The girls are taught that no one should ever violate them in any way and are encouraged to come to us with any matter.  If something were to happen to them, the police will be involved, period.  You know why?  Because they will have names, dates, times, places, answers to questions that Dr. Ford had none to.  That's the way our legal system works.  You are not judged guilty absent compelling evidence beyond any reasonable doubt.

     My son is being raised as a real man should be raised and will be taught things that I never was because he is growing up in a world that hates men.  If you don't believe that, just look on your smartphones app store for the Consent app.  Yep, there's an app to get a man and woman to sign consent to do, well you know what.  I will teach him to never put himself into a position where someone can make an allegation against him, false or true.  That is the only way to defend yourself against the mob mentality that says  "Here's an unpopular opinion:  I'm actually not at all concerned about innocent men losing their jobs over false sexual assault/harassment allegations.  If some innocent men's reputations have to take a hit in the process of undoing the patriarchy, that is a price I am absolutely willing to pay."


     Finally, I feel compelled to defend my wife from the Stepford Wife label and hypocritical catholic labels..  She is far from spineless, servile, compliant, cookie-cutter, one who does my bidding and serves my every whim dutifully.  She's a great mother, step-mother (of a boy for far long than a millisecond, Hissy Chrissy), strong, fiercely independent and my best friend. As for being a hypocritical catholic, her position is the only position that a catholic should be taking right now.  Absent real evidence, this charade should have never seen the light of day.  Take a few days to read the Catechism of the Catholic church, you know the one they probably didn't bring out during your high school days.  


PS...Contrary to the post of Leigh Ann , the republicans did order the FBI to investigate. If it turns up no evidence, I assume you all will repent of your calumny, right?

PS(2) - The prosecutor who asked the questions of Dr. Ford produced a report where she said she would not go forward with prosecution of the case due to lack of evidence and multiple inconsistencies in Dr. Ford's story.  Does that make her a "Stepford Wife" too?

PS(3) - It was fun seeing how quickly they came out of the woodwork to get their names blurred out. One of them, citing some ridiculous belief that posting in a group where only friends are posting, believed it was a violation of her privacy.  As we tell all the children, once you press return, it is gone forever.  Anyone who is a party to the conversation can cut, paste, edit and clip.    
Maricopa Prosecutor article
   



Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Questions We Don't Ask In Polite Society

     One of the strange things that happens to people like me, you know people who lost a spouse to death, is when people want to ask a question but are too socially conscious, respectful, kind or just to damn afraid to ask.  People will dance around questions, hint at what they want to ask, but they just won't come out with it.

     I recently had one of those awkward exchanges with a co-worker who is  much older than me, on his experience of having dated a woman who was a widow.  He was telling me how strange it was, how it was easier for him to date divorcees, etc...and he wanted to crawl under a rock when he found out my story.  He tried in a round about way to ask some common questions that people have, but are afraid to ask.  So with that recent experience in mind, I offer up the following Q&A:

What is it like to date after you are widowed?

Awkward, super awkward, at first.  In my case, I had not been on a first date in more than 24 years and had been out of that game for a long, long time.  Along the way there were some foolish mistakes made and some stupid decisionst.  However, once the right one came along, there was nothing awkward, nothing foolish about it.  It just felt right, and perfect.



Don't you think it's kind of soon to start dating?  (or the flip side, when are you going to get out there again)

This is the one question that every widow will hear, in various forms, at some point.  It's either, don't you think it's too soon or isn't it about time your started to date.  The point is, everyone will have an opinion on this matter, especially those who have no idea what they are talking about.  As the old saying goes, opinions are like *$#holes, everyone has one and they think theirs doesn't stink.  Some people will date weeks after, some months, some years and some never.  This is a decision that can be made only by the widow themselves.  There was some great advice I read once that said, "I fulfilled every marriage vow I made right until the death do us part vow.  Can others say the same thing?  This person said whenever she gets flack from outsiders she would silently chant this to herself.  Me, I just throw that part in their face and peace out.  I've had good friends who have yet to acknowledge my marriage and deep down I think they just don't understand or are afraid of what they would do in a similar situation.  Does it bother me anymore?  Nope, it's your loss.  I'm loving my life.




How did others take to the news that you were dating, engaged or married?

Like I mentioned above, I've had several close friends and associates that have never acknowledged my new marriage.  At first, it bothered me a little bit.  But, like all things in my life, I don't need acknowledgement from other people to be happy .  Most of the people I know were over the moon happy for me and have supported me along the way.  So, that has been a mixed barrel of results.

There was an interesting exchange that took place when I was dating Jennie, all behind the scenes and behind my back.  We took a great trip to Cancun.  Imagine that, two single adults going on vacation together.  Our photos seemed to cause scandal and word got back to people that I might be cavorting with a beautiful blonde in the Mexican sun.  Rather than coming to me and asking the questions, these people took the cowardly way and began to murmur.  I have written in another post, learn to fine art of saying *$@! off to people and choose your own path.  To those who were murmuring, I put a ring on it!




Did you take off your wedding ring before you started dating?

Like the question above, this can only be answered by the individual.  For me, I chose to stop wearing my wedding ring shortly after my marriage ended.  I put it away in the safe and never pulled it back out.  I did wear her anniversary ring around a chain for most of the first year afterwards.  Eventually, I started forgetting to put that chain on and soon afterwards it was locked away as well.  I replaced it with a Miraculous medal and a St. Benedict medal.

Have you ever called your wife by your late wife's name?

Nope, but she has called me by her ex-husbands name once before (entirely by accident).  I think this is a big fear that anyone has, divorcee or widower, that you will screw up and call your new spouse by your old ones name.  Don't sweat it.  If it happens, laugh about it and move on.  Life's too damn short to worry about stupid things.

Do you call your new wife your second wife?  What do you call your first wife?

I think this is another highly individualistic questions.  For me, I quickly started calling my first wife by her name.  I'm blessed (or maybe cursed) with a clear sense of organization and legality.  My first marriage ended with the fulfillment of the final vow I made.  As Scripture says, there is no marriage in heaven and the relationship I had ended.  As for Jennie, I simply call her my wife because that's who she is.

Did you pick someone who is like your former wife?

Not really.  I mean, they both were blondes, so i guess that's my type!  One of the mistakes I made early on was to run from everything that was good in my  marriage and find the opposite of it.  I quickly realized that those things that were good about Theresa were not unique to her, but something universal that any good woman should have.  Things like motherly instinct, strong compassion for others, a nurturing personality.  Those are qualities that a man should look for in his wife.  So, with that said, there were some things that were similar.  But, by and large, they are completely unique people and special to me in vastly different ways.  And that is one of the things that people seem to have a hard time with, probably due in large part to the vast number of divorced people in the world.  When your spouse dies, you don't stop loving them and you don't forget all the good that came from that relationship.  When you divorce someone, you usually stop loving them and your emotions turn more towards anger and resentment.  I think that's why so many people have a hard time dating someone who is widowed..it's easier to understand someone who hates or is angry with their former love.


What did you do with her stuff, with family photos?

Again, this is a highly individualistic question and everyone may answer differently.  The afternoon of Theresa's funeral, all of her clothes had been packed away and made ready for donation to St. Vincent de Paul.  I kept three things out of all those clothes.  A pink disneyland hat that she wore on all of our island hopping vacations, a green scarf from Ireland and a blue sweater.  That latter two items were ones that Ryan wanted and he keeps them in his room.  The pink hat, in a box somewhere.  As for pictures, I kept a few of the family pictures up in my old house and packed them away when we moved a year later.  Ryan wanted some  for his room and he has them on the wall.  Everything else has been either boxed or given away.  Our new home has pictures of our new life, as it should be.

I will leave you with this.  People like me, you know, young widows/widowers are just like you, people.  We've been through something that most married people will go through, just not quite as early as we did.  Don't be afraid to talk to us about our lives or our loves.  If we don't want to talk about it, we will tell you so.  If we do talk about it, consider it a gift of wisdom from those who have been to hell and found the way back.  And remember this:

"Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it".  Live each day to the fullest and have no regrets. 







Monday, June 25, 2018

Honeymoon in Paris - Day 7 (Last Day in Paris)

    Sunday was our last full day in France.  After waking up, I walked over to the Boulangerie Saint Louis for croissants and americanos.  We eventually got moving and made our way to Saint Julien-le-Pauvre, a Melkite Catholic church located in the across the street from Notre Dame.  Divine Liturgy was about to start and we noticed that there were several kids dressed for their first communion.  The Eastern Catholic in me was sad that they were doing this, as that is a latinization of our traditions of giving all sacraments of initiation at the same time.  Present for the Divine Liturgy were three priests and the Bishop.





     My limited French revealed that the children who were making their "first communion" had already been baptized, chrismated and received first communion on the day of their baptism.  It was a ceremonial thing that was happening.

     We left Divine Liturgy and set out to find the relics of St. Genevieve at St. Etienne-du-Mont which sat in the shadow of the Pantheon.  When we tried to get into the church we saw that it was closed until 1:00PM.  We got some lunch at a bistro and went inside the Pantheon.



     The Pantheon was built as a church dedicated to St. Genevieve and to house the reliquary containing her relics.  Sadly, during the French Revolution, the government ordered that the building be changed from a church to a mausoleum for the interment of great Frenchmen.    One of the things that stood out to me was a picture I took of La Convention Nationale.  This major work of sculpture stands where the altar used to be.  It features soldiers on the right and members of the National Convention on the left.  It was the National Convention who ordered the executions of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette.  Yet, above this symbol of secularism and nationalism stands an icon of Christ the King along with St. Michael and St. Genevieve.  Vive Le Christ Le Roi.







     We finished the audio tour and made our way to St. Etienne...only to find the doors were still locked.  We walked all around looking for an open door but to no avail.  We heard music coming from inside and found out there was a concert taking place.  At the intermission, Jennie found someone to pay so we could get inside the church.  The concert was being given by the Reykjavik Cathedral Choir.  The singing was fantastic and the acoustics of the church were incredible.  After the concert we found the relics of St. Genevieve and saw the rest of the church.















     We made our way back to the Hotel, where I stayed while Jennie went to the 6PM mass at Notre Dame.  Earlier in the day I had tweaked my back and I was having a bit of trouble moving around.  After mass, we left the hotel and walked towards La Brasserie de I'Isle Saint-Louis for dinner and drinks.  As we were leaving the hotel, the streets were wet from an earlier rain.  Walking and dancing in the rain was my beautiful wife.




20180610_210553 from Patrick Cullen on Vimeo.

     We sat on the patio, overlooking the Seine and Notre Dame.  We had dinner and drinks.  The waiter brought the check, I paid with my card and we were off.  Later in the night I realized that he charged by card 1.50 euros, instead of the 90 it was supposed to be.  I guess that helped with my poor exchange rate math of the previous 6 days!  We walked over to Notre Dame on more time to take in the view of the Cathedral all lit up.  We made our way back to the room around 11pm and packed our bags for the long trip home.












Sunday, June 24, 2018

Honeymoon in France - Back to Paris

     The day started early with a 7:20am train ride back to Paris.  The entire trip was on the TGV, with no driving in between.  We arrived in Paris around 12:30pm and took a taxi back to the hotel.  We grabbed lunch at the cafe near Notre Dame and planned the rest of the day.

     Jennie had mentioned a trip to Versailles, but it was over one hour to get there via subway or car.  We chose to stay a bit more local and walked to the Louvre.  Since we were getting there near the closing time, there was no line to wait in and in minutes we were walking the galleries.

    What does a first time Louvre visitor look for?  The Mona Lisa of course.  We made our way to that gallery and were pleasantly surprised at the large amount of religious art found along the way.  Many of the paints were done in Byzantine icon styles.  We finally found the Mona Lisa and it was a bit underwhelming.  The crowd was at least 20 people deep, everyone clamoring for a selfie with the painting.  We got a peek, shrugged our shoulders and left that gallery.  Closing time was approaching so we decided to make our exit and find some food.













    As we were walking we saw a sign for St. Germain.  We went inside and found a mixture of beautiful catholic architecture, surrounding a post-conciliar altar that looked hideous.  France was a place where the "spirit of Vatican II" could be seen.  In magnificent churches and cathedrals, where many saints walked, worshiped and prayed, you see the sad attempt to modernize the mass.  Look at the modern altar in St. Germain.  Surrounded by a beautiful aspe and grand high altar is this:


Contrast that with the rest of this beautiful church and see what the Spirit of Vatican II has done to the churches. 








We left St. Germain and found our way to a sidewalk bistro.  We ordered some good French wine and a cheese/meat plate.  Most of the cheeses were great, except for that horrible tasting/smelling camembert.  It was disgusting.  But, sitting in the shadows of St. Chapelle watching the Parisiens line up for a concert was a great way to end the day.








We walked back to the hotel, stopped for some sorbet and called it a night.

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