Sunday, May 12, 2019

Imperfectly Perfect

A Letter To My Boy On Mother's Day

     Mother's Day 2019 is the 4th Mother's Day since your world was turned upside down.  While each passing year makes it easier, I know this day is not easy for you.  It took many years of trying and medical procedures before we were able to bring you into the world and make your Mom a Mother.  Your Mom did her best to give you everything that she thought you needed.  She would stay up late, wake up early, rush out the door to work and rush back home.  And in a matter of 10 short months, all of that was taken away from you.

     One of the biggest fears of any parent is the loss of innocence in their child.  We do everything we can to extend your childhood, to protect you from the ugly realities of the world we live in.  And yet, in a blink of an eye, all of that is taken away and our children are forced to confront the imperfect world we live in.  For the next couple of years after April 2016, I worried constantly about your happiness, your mental toughness and that empty hole in your heart.  I tried to replace her in every way that I could, but we both realized that I wasn't very good at being a Mom.  It truly takes a Mom and a Dad.

     We used to ride around in the car listening to music and one of my favorite times was when you were sitting in the front seat, singing along to Keith Urban's "You Gonna Fly".  You sang "Start living your life On the double, leave your troubles behind, You and me we're gonna be alright"  While the lyrics might have been changed a little, that last line was when I knew you were going to be alright.

     Just like it was in the beginning, I still want to protect you and keep you an innocent child for as long as I can.  That being said, I can't predict the future and I won't make unrealistic promises that life will be perfect.  The world will hand you additional challenges, and even when you want to say, "stop I've had enough" you must realize that self-pity will never make your pain go away.  It only serves to make you feel helpless, weak and tired.  I can assure you that moving forward is the only way to work through life's heartaches.

     We have both moved forward through the mess that was dumped in our lap.  We surrounded ourselves with stuff and visited places, all in an effort to mask the past.  But the greatest thing that we did was to surround ourselves with a new village of people.  A village that would give you the love you desperately needed, the love of a mother that was taken away from you and the kind  that I was not able to give to you.

     Life is not easy, life is not perfect.  However, the world is yours to tackle if you continue to work hard and move forward.  It really is the only path.  We can't go back, we can't stay still.  Time marches on and you have to march with it.

     There is no fixing what life took away from you.  I can't bring her back or the change the course of our path.  What's done is done, and what's lost is carried in your hearts and honored with your smiles and memories.  Making life perfect and trouble-free was never in my ability to provide.  However, making sure you know how to keep moving forward and recognizing the gifts that we back have been given are.

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