Four Years

    I have written before that one of my biggest regrets in my first marriage was that we did not take enough pictures and videos of our family interactions.  A second regret is that in those years since Theresa's repose, many of my memories are already fading away.  I find myself thinking about what countries did we visit; what year was it that we were in the St. Patrick's day parade in Killarney?  How nice it would be to have something physical, or at least digital, to refresh my memory.  

    Today marks 4 years since Jennie and I said, "I do".  In the span of those 1,461 days, there have been many memorable events.  I can not think of a better occasion than our wedding anniversary to memorialize some of those days/events.  So, with an imperfect memory, here goes:

June 10, 2017

 I had "hijacked" a video made by Bishop Robert Barron and injected a few photos into it. At the end of the video I asked Jennie to marry me and she said yes!

June 23, 2017 - I had left for my 2 weeks of in-residence training at the Byzantine seminary in Pittsburgh.  Jennie flew out for the weekend and was surprised when I told her to come and pick me up on Friday night.  I guess she thought I was really being cloistered.  We made our way to an Irish pub where we walked and did a little dance in the rain.  We spent some of the time watching a singing performance by Emma (via FaceTime).  That weekend we spent exploring Pittsburgh and learning that we loved to visit the churches.  Little did we know that it would also signal the beginning of the Pipta inquisition!  

November 24, 2017 - This was the last day spent in my house in Oro Valley, AZ.  The movers had already picked everything up and we loaded the last remnants into Jennie's minivan for their trek up north to Cave Creek.  We still had another month in Tucson, but all of our belonging were gone.

December 8, 2017 - We spent this weekend touring many of my favorite places in Tucson.  I had been in Tucson since June 2004 and other than my home growing up, this had been the place where I had lived the longest.  We were sure to visit Frankies for their famous Frankie's Fries.  We had visited Frankies for the first time earlier in 2017 and Jennie was trying to be all "lady-like" and order something sensible.  When I told her about the heavenly mix of fries, cheese-whiz and beef, I saw her eyes light up and I knew she was a keeper.

Christmas 2017 - We closed on Happy Coyote Trail on the 15th of December and the movers arrived with all of our belongings on the 18th.  Imagine my surprise when Jennie said, "we're hosting Christmas dinner this year".  Talk about an epic effort to get things unpacked.  The house looked a little empty with just my stuff.  We did manage to pick out a Christmas tree from the lot at St. Gabriel's.

Spring 2018 

     In early February we drove to Palm Springs, CA for a wedding.  Along the way we stopped at Joshua Tree NP and found an eclectic "junk" shop where we picked up a really nice crucifix with the St. Benedict medal in it.  We had lots of fun at the wedding, with Jennie trying to open up the storage closet because she thought it was our room.  In March we took Ryan to Universal Studio in CA and visited the beach.  The spring was when we got serious about getting Jennie's house up to sale standards and we attacked the disaster that was Emma's room.  Everything was completed on time and that house closed 2 days before we were married.

Summer 2018 

     June brought us to the Altar and we were married on the second.  Not wanting to waste any time, we left the next day for our honeymoon in France.  We saw so many wonderful places and learned how to flow with the punches when our rail trip to Lourdes was messed up.  We  ended up taking the train to Bordeaux, grabbing a rental car and driving the rest of the way.  The rest of the summer was spent getting our house in order, including a remodel of the back yard.  We also took a little trip up to Flagstaff for an informational seminar on the Order of The Holy Sepulcher.

  

France - Day 1

France - Day 2

France - Day 3

France - Day 4

France - Day 5

France - Day 6

France - Day 7

Fall - 2018

    After our busy summer we had a relatively quiet fall.  Jennie took a trip to Colorado to visit a friend and visited the beautiful cathedral in Denver.  One thing that Jennie learned in the honeymoon phase is that her new husband isn't afraid to take on projects.  We talked about putting a mantle above the fireplace which required a little little of demolition and reconstruction.  She was out running some errands and came home to a hole in the wall above the fireplace.  The look on her face was priceless.  Another first in our marriage was her first ride on my motorcycle.  Emma took some video as we rode away and said, "Don't die".  We all visited Flagstaff for the North Pole experience and hosted Christmas at our place.

Winter/Spring 2019 

     The year started off with another project around the house.  When we bought our house the carpet in the bedrooms was nasty.  We tried to clean them but they looked to be original to the house.  First up was a removal of the carpet in the master bedroom and a hardwood replacement.  Jennie spent a couple of days with her youngest sister, driving her down to Sierra Vista which was the starting point for her hike of the Arizona trail.  We bought some new furniture for the young girls room, getting rid of the old broken stuff from before.  For Ryan's spring break, Jennie, Ryan and I took a trip to Bryce Canyon and Zion National park.  We stayed in a little house and had a great time.  Emma and Charlotte starred in their school play.  For our first anniversary and Jennie's birthday, we took a road trip to Tubac, staying at a golf resort where the movie Tin Cup was filmed.  Towards the end of spring, Ryan and I went on a cruise out of Ft. Lauderdale visiting a private island, Grand Turk and La Romana.  It was an introduction to different vacations for the parents as Jennie does not like cruising and I do not like Disney.We attended the first mass for a newly ordained priest, Fr. Christopher Gossen, at St. Bernards.

 

Summer/Fall - 2019

    It was vacation time for the girls.  Jennie and the girls took off for California and Disney not long after Ryan and I returned from our cruise.  They met up with her sister, brother-in-law, Mom and Dad.  They had a great time at the park and she was happy to have made that vacation.  Since summer rates made golfing more affordable, we played a bit more.  In addition to Dove Valley, we played in Sedona and Prescott Valley.  Prescott Valley was interesting as we attended the morning Divine Liturgy at St. Stephens were we both smelled a perfume smell of roses.  No one around us could smell it.  As we were playing the round of golf, a monsoon storm came in and our cart decided to stop working on the 17th hole.  We were at least 1/2 a mile from the clubhouse in the middle of a crazy thunderstorm.  We both started thinking that the perfume smell was meant to warn us of our pending demise.  We found time one weekend to visit Payson and the Mogollon Rim, getting out of the valley heat for a day.  One Sunday Jennie, Ryan, Mom and I went to the greek festival, ate some great food and saw a beautiful byzantine church.  All of the kids and parents took part in the St. Vincent de Paul charity walk.  Jennie and I found another weekend to sneak off to Flagstaff and take in some of the beautiful weather and fall scenery.  We celebrate my 49th birthday at home and with a family dinner at Portillo's in Scottsdale.  As fate would have it, that would be the last time I saw Jennie's father alive.  The girls met their family for a pumpkin patch day and that turned out to be their last time with Art too.

October 2019

    Jennie and I were not strangers to trauma, sadness and death.  The simple fact is that we are a married couple because of the death of my wife and the death of her civil marriage.  If Theresa had not gotten sick from breast cancer and died, I would have never known Jennie.  Had Joel not decided to date many other people during his marriage, Jennie would never have known me.  When we married I was about to turn 48 and she was about to turn 43.  As the youngest in my family, I had lost my dad in 2003 when I was 32.  My mom was sick with ovarian cancer and was turning 81 in October.  It was inevitable that we would be dealing with the loss of another parent sooner, rather than later, in our marriage.  On the evening of 10/22, I went to the gym and was running on the treadmill.  I took a call from my brother who told me that something had happened to Jennie's dad and I needed to come home.  As I was leaving, Jennie called me to tell me that her Mom found her Dad dead on the front room floor.  We drove over to their house and the Scottsdale police were treating it as a crime scene.  I remember thinking on the way over to their house that of our 3 living parents, Art was not the one I thought who would go first.  He was born into eternity on the feast day of St. John Paul II and buried on the memorial of his being born into earthly life.  

Thanksgiving/ Christmas 2019

    As we moved into the holiday season, we attended an 80's themed fund raiser for Jennie's school.  I'm not the dress up type but I figured why not play the part of Crockett for the event.  I bought white linen pants, white linen jack and an 80's pink t-shirt.  We had a blast that night.  Thanksgiving came and we were fortunate to have the girls that year.  I know this was a hard holiday for my wife, seeing an empty chair at the table for the first time.  As we moved into December, Jennie sent me a picture of a Christmas tree in New York with St. Patrick's in the background and snow falling.  She said she would love to visit NYC at Christmas one day.  She learned something about her husband that December.  If you put an idea in my head and fill my glass with rum, dreams just might come to life.  We booked a 4 day trip to NYC, coming back on Christmas Eve.  What a great time we had in the city, all lit up for Christmas.  We attended St. Stephens for the Nativity Divine Liturgy and started celebrating our Christmas season.

Winter/Spring 2020

    Our 2020 started off with New Years Eve in Tucson as Jennie was photographing a wedding on New Years Day at the San Xavier mission.  We went up to see the Byzantine shrine on Mt. Lemmon and spent NYE at the Westin La Paloma.  The weather was great and we had a lot of fun.  Another month, another demolition project.  When we bought our house the tile on the front patio was suspect and had begun to fall apart.  I took the opportunity to remove it and put some new stuff down.  Jennie and Emma visited a school on the reservation in Northeast Arizona to deliver some clothes and coats.  She got to spend the night in the cloister where Sr. Katherine Drexel once lived.  She might have missed her calling as a nun!  We had an opportunity to attend a fundraiser for the Franciscan Friars of the Holy Spirit called the Friar-Q.  We attended a mass offered by Bishop James Wall, Ad Orientem, and had a great time that the event with Jennie's Mom.  Shortly after that this crazy little thing called Covid became all the rage.  Jennie's school was the first casualty and they decided they would finish the school year online.  Ryan's school followed after that and we began this crazy period of home school.  My office decided that we would be divided into groups and work 1 week on, 1 week off.  This continued until August.  I took that opportunity to tear up our master bathroom, remove the tub and redo the tile.   Arizona eventually succumbed to pressure and the governor instituted a stay at home order.  We went out for dinner on the night before it took place and people thought we were crazy.  Along the way we drank way too much and got a little bit of exercise thanks to our fortuitous Peloton purchase.  The school year ended and we had hope that Covid would be going away soon.

Summer - 2020

    Well, summer came and the world was still going crazy.  In addition to the Covid nonsense we had riots all over the country, rhetoric about stolen elections and a near breakdown of society.  Jennie had enough of it and took the girls up to see her sister in Steamboat Springs, CO.  They drove right through the heart of Covid, the Navajo reservation and stayed in hotels.  They had a great time, despite the liberal loonies in Colorado.  Ryan and I could not make the trip as he started school in July.  However, it was such a beautiful place that Jennie, Ryan and I snuck off for a quick trip to Durango, CO.  Ryan and I got Jennie out of her comfort zone by taking her white water rafting.  We returned home to find out that Ryan still was going to be doing home school.  Pretty soon September came and I was nearing by 50th birthday.  Jennie and I got away for a night to the McCormick Ranch resort to celebrate.  We also planned a getaway to Estes Park but that ended up being a bust due to wildfires.  Because of Covid, airfares were dirt cheap and we were able to use points to go to Puerto Vallarta for 3 days at no cost to us.  That's when we really celebrated my 50th!

Fall  - 2020

    We jetted off to Puerto Vallarta for a 3 day getaway.  Covid had made travel crazy cheap and we took advantage of this.   After we returned home, Emma and I did a project to build a tortoise habitat for the tortoise she was going to buy.  She came up with the plan and I made it happen.  We hosted Christmas and had all the kids home for New Years eve.  OK everyone, it's 12:01AM....get to bed.  Jennie's school construction was completed and they started the new year in a new school.  We helped get everything organized and ready for the kids to return.

Winter/Spring - 2021

    2021 started off slowly and we had nothing planned until the summer break.  Jennie went to watch Charlotte sing at the Mass of Healing with the Order of Malta.  I turned on the TV and was able to catch a glimpse of her looking all sexy in church.  Jennie and the girls took a trip up to Flagstaff to catch some snow and visit BeariZona.  All was going well until April when my Mom fell down in the house and broke her hip.  Jennie called me at work to tell me that she had fallen.  I had her call 911 and get the fire department to help.  The x-ray confirmed a broken hip and they repaired it the next morning.  She was already in bad shape with ovarian cancer and COPD and this issue turned out to be the final straw.  My brother came to stay with her once she returned home as she needed 24x7 care. In late May or early June we had to have her transported back to the hospital.  We had a trip planned to Omaha and St. Louis and we ended up taking the trip.  Before leaving I had Fr. Diodoro Mendoza visit to give her last rites and he told her that all would be ok.

  It was nice to see some of my old favorites and to visit family in both locations.  When we returned they move Mom to hospice and on Father's Day she was born into eternity.  We had her funeral Divine Liturgy a few days later and planned to bury her with Theresa at the St. Stephen's columbarium.  

Summer/Fall - 2021

    The back half of 2021 saw a return some normalcy in the world and in our lives.  In early July we took a trip to Cancun and had a great time.  Although there was that moment of panic when we had to test to get back into the USA.  Thank you Joe Biden for making me prove my worth to return to my own country.  After we got back, Jennie and the girls made another trip to Steamboat Springs, while Ryan and I returned to school and work.  We had someone give us a weekend at a house in Flagstaff and we jumped on that offer.  We did a Flagstaff ghost tour, visited BeariZona and enjoyed the cooler temperatures.  During fall break, Ryan and I took off to Houston to catch a ship to Mexico.  Jennie and Charlotte took off to San Diego for a birthday party and girls trip.  The holidays came and all was good until December 13th.  Jennie was not feeling good and took some time to rest.  Later that night I checked her temperature and she was over 100.  A Covid home test showed her to be positive.  5 days later I woke up with a 103.7 fever and tested positive as well.  We were unable to get together with family for Christmas and it was pretty much a bust.  We exited 2021 healthy and ready to be done with it.

Orphaned at 50

     The title of this post seems strange to write, and is probably even stranger to read.  But that is my reality right now.  I lost my first parent in 2003 when I was 32 and I lost my last parent in 2021 when I was 50.  When my Dad died in 2003, it came as a bit of a surprise.  We had just come home from a birthday party for my nephew and niece and Mom called to say that she needed help getting Dad back in bed.  It seems he tried to get up and fell down. I started driving to her house, a good 25 minutes away, and when I arrived on her street I saw a fire truck.  I thought she must have called the fire department to help.  When I opened the door I saw a body lying on the floor under a sheet.  Dad had a coronary event and died.  That came as a bit of a surprise.

    When Mom died in 2021, it did not come as a surprise.  She had been sick for 6 years and had really started to go down hill after breaking her hip in April, 2021.  By the time that she reposed, everyone had made time to spend with her and there were no surprise..or so I thought.  After taking care of all the funeral arrangements, the church Divine Liturgy and inurnment, there was one last thing that needed to take place.  That was getting rid of her car that was leased through Honda Finance.  That simple act smacked me in the face and forced me to stare reality in the face.  After 50 years on this earth I was alone.  

    The death of the last parent is an end of an era, the final goodbye to our childhood.  Writing that seems ridiculous as my high school graduation was 35 years ago, but it still is an end of an era.  The two people who remembered first steps, taught you to drive, watched you get married, watched you bury your spouse and watched you get remarried are gone.  The two people who witnessed your life, who gave you a cushion of unconditional love, are forever gone.

    In the span of 5 years I had a spouse of 21 years die within 10 months of receiving a cancer diagnosis almost one year after my mom received her initial diagnosis.  When Theresa died, a large part of my adult life died with her.  I had known her since high school and married her at the age of 24.  We grew up together, we learned how to be married together, and we learned how to be parents together.  She had a horrendous home life when she was a child and we had nothing to do with her worthless parents after she moved out.  So I did not have any in-laws to deals with on a go-forward basis after her death.  In some respect that made things easier to deal with.  No awkward gatherings, no sideways glances for choices that I made on getting married a second time.

    However, the one stark reality of losing a spouse is you realize that any familial ties you have to your spouses family do not necessarily survive after their death.  When Theresa died I still had my Mom who was living and that provided some sense of normalcy.  After Mom died in June, the reality of my situation hit home.  I am alone for the first time in nearly 51 years.  I married Jennifer and have been "taken in" by her family but I know that is only a temporary thing...in existence until death or other life issues do us part. At times it seems like Ryan and I are just outsiders who have been taken in; grafted into a family tree because there was some space available.  I see what happened to Jennie's relationship with her ex-husbands parents who have a tie to her children.  They are really non-existent in the kids life and Jennie has no tie to them whatsoever. If something were to happen to Jennie or something were to happen to our marriage, that familial tie that was forged through marriage would disappear given that we have no children born from our marriage. This is really no ones fault, it is just the way things work in this world.

     The ultimate reality sets in after losing both parents.  There is no longer an "invisible" safe zone between you and the grim reaper.  It was merely an illusion anyway, children sometimes die before their parents, but the buffer felt real.  As long as my parents were alive, I wasn't next in line for death.  I remember sitting with my Dad at the funeral of his brother Tom.  Dad looked up as the casket and said, "Well, I guess I'm next to go."  And it turned out that he was the next to go.  The illusion that as long as I was someones child, I could live as though I was still young and nearly immortal.  It really is hell to get old. 

    

Time Doesn't Stop, Why Should I?

     

    Today was the first quarter parent-teacher conference for Ryan.  He is off to a great start continuing where he left off at the end of 9th grade.  Everyone said the same things about him.  He is a class leader, shows great empathy for his fellow students, goes above and beyond what is expected of him on his class projects.  One of the instructors has been teaching time management/planning using the Tony Robbins method.  He shared with me a Date With Destiny/Goal Sheet that Ryan created during the first week.  

    As parents we are never quite sure our kids listen to anything that we tell them.  When he gave me a copy of the sheet, right in the middle, was the phrase I used over and over again after Theresa died.  I would tell Ryan as humans we can't go backwards and we can't stay where we are.  Time doesn't stop, it keeps moving forward.  He put down, "Time doesn't stop, why should I".  Along with those phrases he listed some of the things he's driving towards and some of the things that are pushing him forward.

• He had a picture of Theresa with her date of death 4/18/16.
• Next to that picture he had one of Nana with her date of death 6/20/21.
• He put an emblem down for his school, Gateway Academy, which he started after moving to Phoenix
• Next to his school he put up a fiery Phoenix because he is a Phoenecian now
• He put a screen capture of his favorite video game
• He put up a basketball picture as that has become his game of choice during lunch
• He put up a picture of Phoenix Children's Hospital for the time he spent there working through some emotional issues
• He put up the date of his high school graduation, 5/25/24
• He put up a picture and expected start date for Northern Arizona University.

    I have to say that I had quite the lump in my throat looking at all the things he put down that he has pushed through, that motivate him and where he wants to go. As parents we sometimes think we are talking to a brick wall, but those things we say do bear fruit.

    Last week was the 2nd quarter conference (I started writing this a few months ago and never finished it, so now it's quarter 2).  All of his teachers had great things to say about Ryan and the positive changes that he continues to show on his high school journey.  One of my favorites was how all of his teachers said that Ryan has shown tremendous growth in listening to the opinion of others, expressing his different opinion, and accepting that everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  While this may not seem like much, for a kid on the autism spectrum, this is an incredible break-through.  

    Every day my boy inspires me with his intellectual and emotional growth.  

Co-Parenting and Covid

     I have written before about the difficulties of being married to a woman who shares custody with an ex-husband who scores off the charts on narcissism.  Several things have cropped up over the years but the pure stupidity and lack of logical reasoning rose up during the past week.  On Sunday, Jennie tested positive for Covid-19 and reached out to Mr. Co-Parent about picking up his girls one night early.  He said he would pick them up if they tested negative for the virus.  I went out and bought more rapid tests, tested each one and they were negative.

    I went off to the store to grab some soups and supplies for Jennie.  When I returned home, I learned that Mr. Co-Parent took two of the three girls to his house leaving the youngest with us.  The original narrative was because she was not vaccinated, she needed to quarantine in our house.  Let that sink in for a moment.  You leave the most vulnerable (theoretically) in the home of the confirmed Covid case. For the first 4 days I was able to take care of the kids in our house while I was home from work.  Fortunately, the kids were able to take care of their breakfast and lunch needs, and I could take care of dinner.

    As Jennie kept pressing for an answer on why he chose to leave the most vulnerable with us, a narrative was finally crafted that he did not have enough room in his home to keep everyone quarantined.  I certainly can understand that difficulty as we have two kids sleeping the in same room.  However, I was again surprised when we learned that the two girls from our house were staying in the same room, leaving two bedrooms available for one step daughter.  So, you had an extra room where you could have placed the youngest daughter, but you chose to leave her in the house with the confirmed positive.  Hmm, okay.

    As bad luck would have it, I started feeling symptomatic on Friday and tested positive on Saturday.  Now we had the situation of having both parents testing positive having to take care of two kids, one of whom was unvaccinated.  I suppose we should have seen this coming as I did not move out of our bedroom until Sunday and was likely exposed before moving out.  And Mr. Co-Parent had the audacity to express concern that we were not properly isolating ourselves and putting the kids (in our house) at risk.  He had the perfect opportunity to minimize the exposure of his child to the virus by taking her to his house, but he chose a different path and now wants to question our ability to properly isolate from the kids.  You really can't make this stuff up.  The lack of forward thinking or logical reasoning that he displayed was utterly amazing.  

    My co-workers make fun of me all the time when I tell them the stupid things that take place in the co-parenting realm and have jokingly taken to calling him my ex-husband.  All I can do is quote Forrest Gump: Stupid is as stupid does.

The First Feast of the Church New Year

     "More honorable than the cherubim and beyond compare more glorious than the seraphim, you the Theotokos, we magnify."

    September 8th marks the first feast day of the Eastern church new year which began on September 1st.  It also happens to be a date that has a special significance in my life.  September 8, 2003 was the day my Dad was born into eternity.  September 8, 2014 was the day my Mom came into full communion with the Catholic Church.  September 8, 2021  was the day we placed my Mom's cremains into the niche that she is sharing with Theresa.  The last event date was picked by me in large part due to the other two events that took place outside of my control.  I just liked how they all lined up.

    

    Today was the 8th day of the month and was also the 80th day of Mom being born into eternity.  The number 8 in Catholic theology is also an important number.  According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "Jesus rose from the dead on the first day of the week."  Because it is the first day, the day of Christ's resurrection recalls the first creation.  Because it is the 8th day following the sabbath, it symbolizes the new creation ushered in by Christ's resurrection.  The 8th day reminds us that when we walk into church for the Divine Liturgy, we are glimpsing our first day in heaven.  The 8th day serves to remind us that before we even open the doors to the church we are to prepare ourselves to experience heaven in the person and real presence of Christ.

    The Divine Liturgy that took place this morning for the Nativity of the Theotokos.  From Matins of the Feast we sing:  "O marvelous wonder!  The Source of life is born of the barren one and grace begins to bear its glorious fruits.  Rejoice, O Joachim at the birth of the Theotokos.  No earthly father is the same as you, for through divine inspiration the Virgin is given to us; she is the dwelling place of God, the divine."  In the Vespers for the Feast we sing:  "Today Anna, the barren one, gives birth to the maiden of God who had been chosen from all the human generations to become the dwelling place of the Creator, Christ our God and the King of all.  In her he fulfilled his divine plan through which our human nature was renewed and by which we were to be transferred from corruption to eternal life."

    After the Divine Liturgy was over, Jennie and I processed out to the columbarium behind Fr. Diodoro Mendoza who was incensing the path from the Church to the final resting spot.  .  After Theresa was born into eternity we placed her cremains into the St. Nicholas columbarium on May 14, 2016 which happened to be the 5th All Souls Liturgy of 2016.  After the niche was opened, Fr. Diodoro sprinkled dirt onto the top of the container and it was placed into the niche and sealed with the words:  "This niche is sealed until the Second Coming of Christ in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.     Several months before she died Mom said that she wanted to be placed in the same niche as Theresa.  Today the simple granite stone was removed, the niche unsealed and the earthly remains of Irene Cullen were placed inside the niche first occupied by her daughter in law 1,943 days ago.  After the stone had been removed I caught my first look at the box containing the earthly remains of my first wife, Theresa. While it has been several years I was immediately taken back to that 5th All Souls Liturgy of 2016 when I last saw the contents of the niche.  There was still a pain in my stomach seeing the box with the label:  Theresa R Cullen, 1971 - 2016.  For all the time that has passed there is still a part of me that was ripped away in 2016 and a scar remains.  We humans cannot go backwards and we cannot stay where we are.  The only path is to move forward and forward we have moved.  I love the life that has come after the pain of loss in 2016 and am thankful for that every day.  But like a scar reminds us of an event, seeing the contents of the niche served as a reminder that our life is but a few years on earth, but an eternity in the afterlife.

 When speaking of a loved one who has died we like to say they were born into eternity.  Today marks the 6,575th day since Robert Cullen was born into eternity.  Today marks the 1,969th day since Theresa Cullen was born into eternity.  And today marks the 80th day since Irene Cullen was born into eternity. On the Feast of the Nativity of the Theotokos we celebrate the birth of the one who would give birth to the One that opened paradise and restored us from our fallen state.  Looking into the niche which holds 2 peoples earthly remains, there is in a sense a "barren" spot as what remains is merely ashes.  . But today also is the "the beginning of our salvation, O people; for behold the Mother and Virgin who was chosen from all generations to be the habitation of God is born and comes forth from the barren one."   Let us celebrate the birth of the Theotokos some 2,035 years ago which brought forth the one who bore Christ in her womb allowing us to celebrate the 18th, 5th and 1st years of my family members being born into eternity.

"This niche is sealed until the Second coming of Christ, in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

    "With the souls of the just brought to perfection, give rest O Savior to the souls of your servants.  Keeping them for the blessed life with You for You love us all.  In your place of rest O Lord, where all Your saints repose, give rest to the souls of Your servants for you alone love us all."

The Only Constant Is Change

 "Truly, truly, I say to you, you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice;  you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy."

    Today the Phoenix Field Office leadership brought in a Catholic priest from Oakland, CA who serves as a chaplain for the Oakland Fire Department as well as the Oakland Field Office of the FBI.  The past 24 months have been months unlike any I have experienced in my 17.5 years in the Phoenix Field Office.  In the past 24 months we have had the following things happen:

• May 2019 - Intelligence Analyst Sean Sego collapsed in the stairwell and died
• Nov 2019 - Special Agent Dave Williams went out for a morning jog before work and died during his run
• Apr 2020 - A man fired shots into the FBI Building in Phoenix
• Jul 2020 - Agent involved shooting leaving 2 agents injured, subject dead
• Oct 2020 - Jennie's father died suddenly of a blood clot
• Dec 2020 - Agent involved shooting leaving subject dead
• Feb 2021 - Special Agent Jimmie Daniels found dead at home 
• Apr 2021 - Special Agent Geoffrey Young found dead at home

    SA Young died on the same day that Theresa did 5 years ago.  One big difference between his repose and that of Theresa's was the suddenness of it.  I knew for some time that things were going to end and in a rather short order.  SA Young's family did not have the luxury of knowing when his last day was going to be.  When I heard about SA Daniels and SA Young I thought of how this was going to affect their spouses and children.  I know the path that they are being forced to walk.  I'm not going to sugar coat it, it sucks.  It is like walking through a minefield, not knowing where the next blowup is going to come from.  It is a year of firsts without your spouse, without your children's parent, that always has the potential to blow up.  It is getting through the first year to realize that the second year might be more difficult than the first.  It is a journey of sad times, good times and many stops along the way.

    As I listened to Fr. Jayson this morning, he said one thing that stood out to me.  He laughed, pointed to his collar and said because I wear this I will say this.  In my tradition we know the cycle of sadness that turns to joy.  You get the joy of Easter Sunday only after the sadness of Good Friday.  That really does sum up our short journey in this life.  We experience intense sadness at times as well as intense happiness at other times.  And in between that continuum of sadness and joy we experience many spots along the way.  As the title says, the only constant is change.

    I was reminded of that as I rode the elevator this morning with a fellow employee, Pete.  He and I both were in Tucson for a period of time before he transferred to the El Paso office.  He and I share the sadness of having lost a spouse at a young age.  In May 2015 he and his family set out for a roadtrip in Texas.  They experienced a tire blowout which caused their SUV to roll over at freeway speed.  Killed in the accident were his 38yo wife and 3 kids 18, 14 and 11.  Pete woke up in a hospital to find 4 family members dead with one 6yo child surviving.  5 years ago, not yet a full year after this tragedy, he came to the funeral Divine Liturgy we had for Theresa.  I don't know how he did it but he did.  When I moved to Phoenix I realized that he had transferred back to Phoenix and had married again.  As we rode the elevator today I asked him how his wife was doing since she is about to give birth to a child.  The cycle of intense sadness and intense joy is played out in his life.  He smiled and said she was doing well and that her due date was in June.  The only constant is change.

    At some point in the past few years Jennie and I merged our Google Photo account and we see pictures of our lives, before we met and after we met.  Yesterday the photo memories that popped up for me had pictures from Theresa's funeral.  On the same day, albeit a different year, the photo memories were of a beach vacation Jennie and I took.  We have experienced that cycle of joy and sadness many times during our lives together.  We had the joy of being married and visiting France, followed shortly by a change in my Mom's health.  We went through the joy of Jennie and the girls spending the day with her dad at a pumpkin farm followed shortly the sadness of his sudden death.  This ebb and flow of good and bad reminds us that the only constant is change.

    For anyone reading this who may be about to walk the journey I have walked or is currently walking that journey, remember that we experience good times and bad times in our lives.  It is the natural rhythm of life.  One of the things that helped me get through that journey was my faith life.  When Theresa reposed my  "grace tank" was full.  I completely depleted that reserve and went into a grace deficit.  As time marched on, I have gradually been able to refill that tank through all the good times in my new families life which has helped me to get through the bad times.  Now is the time to work on building up your reserves.  As the past 24 months have shown, bad things happen all the time and usually happen unexpectedly and rapidly.  

    In your kindness please pray for the souls of all the people mentioned above and for their families who are walking this journey.  They are moving forward because the only way to go is forward.  Pray that they will receive the graces needed to find joy and happiness despite the tragedy they have experienced.

Christ is Risen!

    

    

A Lifetime of Change in 5 Years

 "Love endures everything, love is stronger than death, love fears nothing." Sr. Faustina

    Last week was Holy Week for Catholics around the world.  The triumphant entry of Our Lord into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday led believers on a wave of emotions from joy to disbelief to sadness and finally to joy.  Five years ago Holy Week fell a little earlier in the year, March 20th to March 27th.  I remember that Holy Week like none other before it.  It was the last week where Theresa was able to have a rational conversation and the first Pascha for us spent in a hospital.

    In a blog post dated March 28, 2016, I wrote about how impressed I was with Ryan when he told me he was taking the $5 he received in his Easter basket and buying his Mom some chocolate to enjoy with our Easter dinner in her hospital room.  I took many photos during that Holy Week but this one was one of my favorites from the week.  My boy climbed up in the bed with his Mom and shared some of the Easter goodies with her.  Little did we know that she had just 20 days remaining on her earthly journey.

    Today we spent another few hours on a Sunday in another hospital room keeping my Mom company for a little while.  On Friday I received a call from Jennie that Mom had fallen on the tile floor and thought her hip was broken.  We called Phoenix Fire and had her taken to the hospital where they confirmed that she did have a broken hip.  The surgeon scheduled her for Saturday morning and they repaired the fractured hip by driving a rod into her femur and screwing it into the bone that goes into the hip joint.  When we picked Ryan up from the bus stop on Friday he knew something was up as both Jennie & I were in the car.  When I told him what had happened he got really quiet and wanted to go see her.  We were able to spend sometime with her on Friday.  Before leaving he asked for a few minutes alone with her and we left after that.

    We went to visit Mom again today after attending the Mass for Divine Mercy Sunday.  They put her in the intensive care unit because her blood pressure was really low and her heart was experiencing bouts of atrial fibrillation.  We grabbed some lunch before going to the hospital at a pizza place called Barro's.  There is a drink they have at Barro's called Stubbon Agave Cream soda that both Ryan and Mom like.  When we got to her room, Ryan took the refill he had gotten and gave it to his Grandma saying this is the cream soda we both really like.  What a flashback moment I had sitting in that room.  Instead of taking his $5 and getting something for his Mom, he took his favorite drink and gave it to his Grandma.

    

    We sat with her for a little over one hour and he just sat by her side to keep her company.  It gave me time to reflect on just how much Ryan has grown in 5 years since his world was turned upside down.  By no means has this been an easy journey.  We moved twice, once to Oro Valley and ultimately to Cave Creek.  Ryan started middle school in a new city and ended up in a different school for the second half of 6th grade where he remains today.  He saw his Dad get married again, bringing a whole new dynamic of stepmom and stepsisters to his world.  He has watched his Grandma go through 5 more years of cancer treatment with all the ups and downs that entails.  And all of this taking place as he grows into a man and all the hormonal challenges that come with that.  And through all of this he has finally found his stride and is doing well in school and life.   One of my phrases that I repeated again and again to him was "as humans we can not go backwards and we can not stay stuck in today.  The only way for us to move is to go forward."  

    

    The Second Sunday of Easter is known as Thomas Sunday in the Eastern church and Divine Mercy Sunday in the Western church.  It is called Thomas Sunday because the Gospel of John is read where Thomas was not present when Christ appeared to the 10 Apostles after his Resurrection.  Thomas said that he would not believe it was the Lord until he put his hands in the wounds of Jesus.  8 days later Christ appeared again to the 11 Apostles and told Thomas to put his hands into the wounds.  Thomas responded with a profound statement, "my Lord and my God".   Jesus said to Thomas, "You have believed because you have seen me.  Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe"

    It is called Divine Mercy Sunday in the West because Pope John Paul II canonized Sr. Faustina in 2000 on the Second Sunday of Easter and proclaimed that this Sunday would be known as Divine Mercy Sunday.  I have told Ryan the story of John Paul II, how he lost his mother at the age of 8, his brother 4 years later at the age of 12 and his father 9 years later at the age of 21.  No one in this fallen world would have blamed John Paul II had he taken a different path than he did.  He lost every family member of his by the time he was 21 and was growing up under communist oppression in Poland.  He once said that you have two choices when adversity strikes, you can become bitter or you can get better.  Rising through the clerical ranks to assume the Chair of St. Peter and remain there for more than 27 years, clearly he took the better, not bitter route.

    These two Sunday's came together today watching Ryan sit with his Grandma.  Just like Thomas, there was much doubt in his mind when we talked about the future and that things would get better.  I know for many months and maybe a couple of years he didn't believe that going forward was going to be a good route.  Through all that doubt he has chosen to become better, not bitter, and it shows with how well he has handled his Grandma's hospitalization.  For the first time in almost 5 years, I am not as concerned about how he will handle the anniversary of his Mom being born into eternity.  Glory to Jesus Christ!